In June 2002 Ted and I were thrilled to find out that I was pregnant again! Heartbroken again, at 10 weeks the baby's heartbeat had stopped. Ted and I were so sad and disappointed. Raelle didn't know why we were upset but she was comforting us. We are so fortunate to have such a caring, thoughtful little girl. We are very thankful for what we do have. Visit Raelle's website to see what a special girl she is!    Raelle's World   She has some very exciting news to share..... She has a new baby SISTER.... Kylie was born in August 2004! We are all elated and especially Raelle, who is thrilled to have a baby sister at home to play with!

On June 30th, Ted and I were watching some TV, hanging out like any other night. I was 35.5 weeks pregnant. My stomach was a little bit sore, but Ted and I were eating chips and I thought I had eaten too many. You know that feeling, just felt like a regular sore tummy. I went to sleep and then around midnight, I was awakened by a pain that was excrusiating. I went to the bathroom because I thought that might help. I could barely get back to bed, the pain was so unbearable. I couldn't lay down, sit up, stand up, I couldn't do anything.  It wasn't going away. Ted called 911 and the ambulance took me to the hospital. They kept asking me if it felt like labour pains, but I was in so much pain, I couldn't think. I remember saying 'I don't know' to most of the question they asked. I was wheeled right up to labour/delivery, of course, because they assumed I was in labour.  The nurses got me to calm down and breathe slow. I honestly couldn't think straight but I didn't think I was in labour because the pain wasn't coming and going, but I didn't know what else could be causing me the pain. They put on the Fetal Heartrate Monitor, baby was fine. The nurses checked me, I was one cm dilated, and was having some minor contractions. They just kept telling me to calm down and that I wasn't having the baby tonight. I was seen by the resident doctor and my doctor was called. They knew I wasn't in labour and that something was wrong with my stomach, but they weren't sure what it was. I was given demoral and gravol around 3:00am and the nurses told Ted to go home to be with Raelle, I was just going to have a sleep. The baby wasn't coming tonight, maybe in a couple days. Not knowing there was anything seriously wrong Ted went home to get some sleep, thinking I was going to be fine. He would come back in the morning and they were going to do some tests on me then. The demoral made little difference, it didn't take away my pain. I couldn't sleep. Around 6am, my doctor came in to see me. He thought that I might be constipated. They gave me two enemas over the next couple hours. The nurses left me by myself in my room and told me to go to the bathroom when I needed to. I could barely walk to the toilet myself. I was begging them all night to give me a c-section. I thought the pain would end if they did.  I felt so helpless that night. I felt like no one was listening to how much pain I was in. No one was doing anything. Time was going by so slowly, they just kept waiting for me to get better. By 6am, when my doctor came in. I was so sick. I wasn't showing much pain. I was more in control of myself and I was drifting in and out of sleep. I was still in a great deal of pain. FHM on again, showed baby Skyler was doing fine, her heartbeat was still strong.  I was joking with my doctor, saying that I couldn't go through labour after this, still asking for a c-section. He thought he had more time to figure out what was wrong, that he could do some more tests later in the morning. He told me that they can't just do a c-section, just because I was asking for one. He thought my pain may be due to bowel distress. So we waited. If I was still in pain, I would go for an ultrasound around 9am, to see how my baby was. Meanwhile, because both Skyler's and my vitals had been fine for 6 hours, we no longer needed to be monitored continuously. Someone called Ted at 7am, said I was 80-90% better and was just going to sleep, he could pick me up in a couple hours. I'm not sure who decided that I was feeling better, because I certainly wasn't. By 8am I was still in so much pain. I couldn't sit, stand, lay down - nothing helped the pain. I thought maybe a walk would help. I had a very helpful, patient nurse in the morning who took me into the hall. I walked about 5 steps out of the room and had to sit down. That wasn't going to work either. I was getting very faint and dizzy. I lay back down then. I was so thirsty, I was drinking water all night. I don't remember very much at this point, but my records say that at 8:45 I told the nurses I felt terrible and I thought maybe I had the flu. By 9 am I was having troubles speaking.  At that point I was fading in and out of consciousness.  I figured by then I was having this pain and it was never going to end.  I didn't mind anymore. According to my records, I vomitted blood at 9:10, which meant I had blood in my stomach. My ob checked me. My pulse was elevated over 110, and my blood pressure was at 70/50. He told me they were going to do a c-section at that point. I kept saying phone Ted, phone Ted. They told him to hurry down, your wife in in emergency surgery. I thought finally, they are finally listening to me and delivering my baby. I honestly didn't know much more was wrong. I thought it would be a regular c-section, like the ones on TV. I would be awake and Ted would be there to hold our baby right away. By 9:15 I was preped for OR, and was there by 9:25. Skyler's heartrate was dropping to 70 beats per minute. What my doctors told me later, was by that point my body had gone into shock, I had less than a couple hours to live. My blood pressure was dropping and I was only supplying blood to my heart, brain and kidneys. My vital organs. My uterus, placenta and therefore, Skyler, was not receiving any blood.  No oxygen. Our beautiful baby girl, Skyler Leanne, was born, at 9:35am, July 1st. She weighed 7 pounds, 3 ounces and was 20 inches long.  She was 4 1/2 weeks early, due August 1. Skyler was born with no heartbeat and she wasn't breathing. She was put on a respirator, and they got her breathing, by machine.  We were later told she had been without oxygen for approximately 30 minutes.  Meanwhile, the doctors continued with my surgery. After they removed Skyler, they were shocked to see that a large amount of my small intestine was dead. One of the best surgeons scrubbed out of his surgery next door, to come in and do mine. He removed 360cm of black, dead bowel. I have approximately 110cm remaining. That was the cause of my pain. My body shut down shortly before I went into surgery, which was why Skyler lacked oxygen. I can't even begin to imagine what Ted was going through while waiting. He was last told by the nurse that everything was good, I was feeling so much better.  When he arrived back at the hospital, the nurses told him he had a baby girl, who was very sick, as they rushed her out of the OR, past Ted. She told him I was still in surgery and was very ill. Then Skyler's doctor came out of the OR and told him not to worry about the baby, his main concern was about me. I was very ill and the doctors weren't sure what was going to happen with me. Ted was told to call my immediate family and have them come to the hospital as soon as possible. Poor Ted didn't know what was happening. Nurses were coming out of the operating room, hugging Ted and crying. A social worker was sent down to be with Ted so he wasn't alone. He wasn't even sure what was happening still. I was supposedly so much better, then all of a sudden no one knew if I was going to survive and our precious baby was very sick too? My family arrived at the hospital and waited with him. They were gradually told what was happening with my surgery and that I had lost a lot of my intestine. My doctor was shocked to discover that he only had hours, not days, to find the problem. Two and a half hours later, I came out of surgery. My family was told that I would probably end up in ICU. However I woke up within 1/2 an hour and was speaking. They were all surprised. I remember the nurse telling me we had a baby girl. I cried, I was so happy. I loved having Raelle so much, I wanted another little girl. Raelle had a little sister!! I stayed in the recovery room for a few hours. Ted and my parents came in to see me. They asked us what our daughter's name was .... we smiled at each other and told them her name is Skyler. We were so proud. On my way being wheeled up to my room, they took me in to see baby Skyler for the first time.

Ted and I were so happy being parents to little Raelle that we decided to try to have another baby. We thought it would be great to have two girls. I got pregnant just before Raelle's second birthday. We were sooo excited! Just what we wanted, two children, close in age. Raelle would be two and a half when our baby was born.  My pregnancy was great. At my 34 week check up, my doctor told me I was having a 'textbook' pregnancy. Everything was going just as it should. Raelle was so excited for the baby to come home. She put all of her 'too small' things into the baby's room. We read stories about having a new baby, and talked about how the baby will be born in the hospital and then come home with Mommy. She had a baby in her tummy too! In my pregnancy pictures, Raelle stood beside me, lifting up her shirt, showing her baby.  Only one night our whole world changed. It's frightening how fast life can change. We never expected anything like this to happen to anyone we knew, never mind us.

She was so perfect, so beautiful. She looked so much like Raelle did, only she had dark hair and she was so much bigger. Raelle only weighed 6lb 2oz, Skyler was 7lb 3oz, and a week and a half earlier than Raelle too. I was so surprised. I loved talking to her and holding her hand. It was hard to see her because I was laying on a stretcher, but someone held a mirror up so I could see her other side. I was so happy. From the moment my pain began I wasn't thinking clearly. I still had no idea at that time that there was anything wrong with Skyler, not even thinking about why she was in the NICU. I was just so thrilled to see Skyler. She was perfect.

Ted had already seen baby Skyler, as she was born and when she was about one hour old. The doctor told him right away that she would have problems. She was without oxygen for so long. Although, at that time we were told she was without oxygen for five minutes. When she was born, the PH in her blood was 6.8 (ours is 7.2 - 7.4), from lack of oxygen. The doctor said they didn't know what type of problem she would have, could be something as small as a learning disability in school. I wasn't aware of any problems with Skyler right away. Following my surgery I was quite sick, not even aware of all that had happened to me in the OR. I had a NG tube, through my nose going to my stomach, a Jackson Pratt tube draining my incision, 22 staples, a central IV (in my neck) with 5 IV's and a catheter. I had two full IV poles and had a crew with me where ever I went! I could barely move. It was a big ordeal to get down to the NICU. I only saw Skyler three times in the NICU. Now, I wish I went down there more often, but I didn't. I did get to call down to the NICU to see how she was doing though. I was pumping milk many times a day for Skyler, I figured soon she would be able to drink it. I stayed in a private room so that when Skyler was ready, she would be able to come up and be in my room with me. Ted saw Skyler everyday in the NICU, he went down there a lot.  Throughout my whole pregnancy we thought Skyler was a girl. We had Skyler's name picked out from the beginning, we never did pick out a boy's name. We loved the time we spent with Skyler. She would hold our fingers tightly with her little fingers. When we would talk to her, she would open her eyes. She especially liked it when Raelle touched her head and kissed her. She was such a beautiful little girl. I couldn't believe how much dark hair she had! Her eyes were dark and she had a little birthmark on her finger. Her little body was just adorable and I loved seeing and feeling her little shoulders. I remember her shoulders and knees poking my stomach before she was born, and now I could actually touch them! Raelle was so excited to have a sister and she loved seeing and touching 'her baby'. She was very concerned about the tubes in both Skyler and my nose and neck. When she came to visit Skyler and me in the hospital and when I talked to her on the phone she would ask me, "What is that thing in your nose in the hospital Mommy?" The doctors had Skyler paralized for a lot of the time, so she could try to focus on her breathing. Shortly after she was born (Saturday) and Sunday, she was trying to breathe on her own. They had the respirator down to 40%, she was even sucking on a soother. She seemed to be doing very well. From what we knew at that point, things were looking good for Skyler. We knew there would be some type of a problem with her, but that didn't matter. What was the most important was that we were bringing her home. We were so happy! We couldn't wait to get her home. However, later on Sunday, Skyler lost a lot of blood. The doctors were going to do a CT scan on Tuesday but decided to do it Monday morning. Her doctor came up to my room to discuss the results with us. He brought the CT scan. He showed us where the blood had gone. She had a massive cerebral bleed. On both sides of her brain. This was a result from lack of oxygen. When the brain swelling had gone down, the blood vessels softened up and bled. Our sweet baby girl. Because of the brain bleed, she would have severe brain damage. The doctor put a shunt in Skyler's head to drain the blood. According to the EEG test, she had little brain activity. Also, her kidneys weren't functioning properly. After Monday, she was no longer trying to breathe on her own. When they would turn off the respirator to see what she would do, she didn't try. On top of the seizure medicine she was given, she was still having seizures. As parents we felt so helpless watching our baby girl suffer and we couldn't do anything to help her. We had a meeting with all the doctors on Wednesday morning, July 5th. There were 4 doctors, 2 social workers and my nurse in my hospital room. They were each specialists in different areas of the body. They each said their piece about Skyler's condition. We had to make a decision to remove her from life support or keep her on it. If we were to keep her on, the doctors would have to do more than they were doing. Ted and I were extremely overwhelmed with all that was happening to us and our baby girl. We weren't really sure what to do or how we were feeling. We experienced many emotions during this time. We were both 28 years old and to be honest, we hadn't thought very much about our own death. The death of one of our children had never even crossed our minds and we really had no idea what we were supposed to do or what we should do. We were not thinking of ourselves at that point. We were thinking of the life Skyler would have and what was best for her. Ted and I didn't want her to suffer. What kind of a life would she have? We were told by the doctors that all she may be able to do would be breathe on her own. We wanted our daughter to be here with us more than anything, however we couldn't put her through a life like that. The brain can't repair itself, so there was no hope that her condition would improve. We decided to remove her from life support. This was the most difficult decision we had to make. We asked the doctors to remove Skyler from life support and bring her up to us. The nurses dressed her in a pretty pink outfit, removed her from the machines and brought her up to our room. It was the first time we had to hold her. I will never forget the nurse walking into my room holding Skyler and placing her into my arms. She was perfect. Our beautiful daughter. Ted and I looked at her and we cried. It was so sad to know that this was going to be the first and last time we would hold her. We wanted so much to bring her home, have her as part of our family, growing up with us. Having to lose her was unexplainable. We lost our dreams for her and our dreams for our future. Our lives were changed forever. At first the thought of holding our dying baby was very frightening to us. However, when the time came, we didn't even think twice. Skyler was our baby girl and we loved her so much. Ted and I both held her, kissed her, rocked her, loved her. We told her how she would have been such a wonderful little sister and daughter. We told her how much we loved her and how we will miss seeing her grow up. Skyler will never play with her big sister. We won't get to dress them in matching dresses, watch them sing and dance and play together. We never even heard her cry. We will never hear her soft, angelic voice. She will never tell us that she loves us. Skyler was not having the chance to grow, play and laugh, like other children do. When we held Skyler she was so still. She didn't wiggle around like most newborns do. She didn't look up at us. She was so peaceful. It was almost like she was just sleeping. I wanted so much for her to wake up so we could take her home. It was a terrible nightmare that we were not waking up from. I wished I could wake up and be pregnant again, feeling her little shoulders poking out from my tummy. ...Be complaining about how she kept kicking me in the ribs. She was still taking breaths and gasping while we held her. When the doctors brought her to us, she had a slight heartbeat. She was catching her last few breaths. I am glad that she was with us as she died. Skyler was so loved. We held her for a few hours, then the doctor came to check her heartbeat. She no longer had one. She was gone. As we held her little body, I'm sure her little soul was with us.  I truly believe Skyler was my guardian angel, my little messenger. I think she saved my life. She is the reason I was on the operating table. I asked my doctor that if I had gone to sleep, like the nurses wanted me to, I may have just not woken up? He said that may be true. I had less than a couple hours to live. I went into surgery because Skyler was in distress. Raelle (2.5), Skyler (1 day old)                             Skyler, 5 days old I spent two weeks in the hospital recovering and trying to comprehend what had just happened. When I finally went home, with us, rather than bringing our beautiful daughter, we brought her clothes, blanket, handprints, footprints, hair clippings and many photos. After a while we put away all of Skyler's things we had ready for her in her new bedroom. Raelle didn't really understand why her baby sister wasn't coming home from the hospital with Mommy, the way we had talked about. It was so sad to try to explain to her about baby Skyler's body not working properly. I know that all the 'what if's' aren't going to bring Skyler back, but I can't help but think about what the doctor told us... If the heart rate monitor had been on her more often, the nurses may have seen her go into distress earlier, and done the c-section. If she had have been born an hour earlier, she would have been perfect.  At home with us.   All of the complications with Skyler were due to lack of oxygen for so long. If you too, have suffered the painful experience of losing a child, I am so, so sorry for you. Unless you have, you could never even imagine the pain. It is the worst possible human experience. The death of our daughter has altered our lives. It has changed the way we think, the way we live our lives, our priorities, who are friends are and our outlook of what the future holds. It is so difficult to carry on without her. Everyone goes back to their normal everyday lives, but our lives are changed. They will never be the same. We will always be missing one of our daughters. We will always wonder about Skyler, what she would look like, sound like and what her little personality would develop into. I know Skyler would be the best little sister! Raelle knows that too.

Updated August 2002: After many tests the doctors know that a blood clot caused my bowel to die. I have anticardiolipin antibody syndrome. In one blood test that I had, my protein s level was low, meaning my blood wasn't breaking down clots. That is common in pregnancy. Although in two tests done 4 and 6 months later, there was a positive anti-cardiolipin antibody in my blood. That means I have a predisposition to developing blood clots. These antibodies can appear and disappear. My blood clot had nothing to do with my pregnancy, it was just bad timing. In cases of people who have mesenteric ischemia, which is caused by an interruption in blood flow to part of the small intestine, (which is what happened to me), these are due to occlusion from a thrombus (blood clot) and typically leads to mortality. What commonly happens is that people have abdominal pain but don't go to the hospital. After bleeding begins, the patient could die within minutes. Due to a delayed diagnosis, the mortality rate is 70-90%. The typical age is 60+, not a 28 year old. I have been told that I was fortunate to be pregnant at the time, as that caused me to go to the hospital with my pain. If I had been anywhere other than the hospital at 9am, I may not have survived. I am also fortunate to have had some of the best medical staff - my GP, who is the most sincere... I can't say enough good about him.... the morning nurses were patient and supportive, my OB and surgeon who happen to be the best in the field at what they do... and a few other specialists who helped treat me. I am forever grateful to these people. It all happened so quickly, they did the best they could. However unfair it seems, I do believe that Skyler was given to me for a reason. She is my very special angel who I will always be grateful for having. We have celebrate Skyler's birthdays by making cupcakes for her, singing Happy Birthday and Raelle let balloons go up to the heavens. We still miss her terribly. Raelle talks about Skyler every single day. She says she loves being a big sister but wishes she could play with Skyler at home instead of in her heart. Words can't explain our heartbreak.

Raelle (3.5) on Skyler's first birthday, July 1, 2001

In June 2002 Ted and I were thrilled to find out that I was pregnant again! Heartbroken again, at 10 weeks the baby's heartbeat had stopped. Ted and I were so sad and disappointed. Raelle didn't know why we were upset but she was comforting us. We are so fortunate to have such a caring, thoughtful little girl. We are very thankful for what we do have. Visit Raelle's website to see what a special girl she is!    Raelle's World   She has some very exciting news to share..... She has a new baby SISTER.... Kylie was born in August 2004! We are all elated and especially Raelle, who is thrilled to have a baby sister at home to play with!